Tomorrow is the do-or-die day for all the idiots, morons, thieves, scoundrels, opportunists, washed-up TV personalities, drunkards and basically scum of society who have decided to run for posts in the Philippine government. The situation is not all bad though, are there are a few handfuls among the thousands of candidates who are the real and genuine deal. Too bad we will see very very few of them once the current administration’s “machinery” kicks in to secure their victory in this God forsaken farce called Philippine elections.
This reality is best reflected in this wonderfully crafted mock interview about the Philippine elections that I received as a forwarded e-mail. ExpectoRants received it as well and has beaten me to posting it first. Still, here it is in verbatim:
What is a Philippine election? It all begins when the country’s brightest, most highly qualified inhabitants, the young dynamic professionals, citizens who have the potential to make good leaders, get together and examine the country’s problems, the state of politics and the long-term national prospects.
What happens next? They decide to emigrate.
And after that? Another group of bright people get together.
What do they do? They also emigrate.
And then? And so on and so forth.
What does any of this have to do with a Philippine election? When talented, smart and highly qualified potential leaders leave the country all the time, who are you left with? Retired basketball players? Toilet comedians? Bad actors and actresses? Spoiled vicious rich kids? Ageing and debauched hermaphrodites? You’re now ready to hold a Philippine election.
How important are elected officials to the Philippines? Nobody’s been able to figure out an answer to that one.
What’s at stake in a Philippine election? Prizes and surprises! Millions in cash! Dream houses! The vacations of your choice! Fun for the entire family! That’s from the politician’s point of view. (That’s why they kill each other.-B.H.)
How many positions are waiting to be filled in the coming elections? About 17,000 public offices and a still undetermined number of graves.
So it’s like a lotto? Sort of, except that when you lose you could lose your life.
Who are qualified to run? Anyone at all! Generally, any person of any citizenship who’s alive, of a certain age, good character and able to summon a mob huge enough to intimidate the Supreme Court.
What kind of candidates have the most chances of winning? ARTISTS who have the CONFIDENCE of the people.
You mean a con artist, don’t you? You said it, we didn’t.
Who are qualified to vote? Those willing to be bussed around and do a hard day’s work visiting a lot of precincts during election day.
Talk about parties in the Philippines. Everybody loves going to parties in the Philippines.
No, POLITICAL parties. Oh! Well, in the past there used to be only two parties, the Liberalistas and the Nacionalistas. Now there are several dozen, but they still all fall under two main parties: the Sosyalites and the Opportunistas.
What’s the difference between the two parties? Sosyalites love parties. Opportunistas will join any.
Explain what presidential elections are all about. Did you hear the one about the murderer, the thief, the incompetent and the idiot?
No, is that a joke? That’s the presidential election.
You’re a cynical bastard, aren’t you? No no no, we’re not running for office.
Why are there so many international observers who come to a Philippine election? They’re fascinated by all the strange phenomena which accompany it.
What are you talking about? Miracles are a dime a dozen during elections here. Vicious criminals suddenly become saintly leaders. Voters fly. The dead cast their ballots. Morons become national leaders.
Why is the Church so closely involved in elections? They’re also interested in studying the miracles. Also, priests are needed to administer the last sacraments to all the people who’re killed.
Philippine elections sound like they’re really violent and bloody. Not really. Not more than several dozen die on the average. Why that’s only a teensy fraction of the population! And everything blows over after election day, so the country can bet back to its usual kidnapping, wholesale graft, hostage taking and coup attempts.
How clean are Philippine elections? Let’s put it this way: if Philippine elections were your house you wouldn’t want to live in it.
What are guns, goons and gold?? Three traditional important elements of a successful election. There’s a new one: film credits.
How come this pamphlet doesn’t include a question that goes why can’t all candidates just jump in the lake?? That question looks like it was just gratuitously put into this article for very naughty purposes. We decline to answer it.
How can you tell an election outcome is suspicious? Power failures in very specific rooms where the counting is taking place. Numbers that start losing zeroes as the days go by.
Can’t the candidates, out of the goodness of their hearts, put a stop to crooked elections? You really ARE from another planet, aren’t you?
Copy it, blog it or forward it to your friends. This just might do the trick before we go to the polls tomorrow, May 14. 2007.
A few wishes about the coming elections tomorrow:
The Remullas’ hold on power in Cavite would end tomorrow.
The incumbent mayor of our town Silang, Cavite be reelected.
All of Team Unity’s Senatorial candidates except the ‘Dragon’ looses the elections.
Most of the GO Senatorial candidates win in the elections.
The Administration’s pet party-lists loose.
Of course, a cleaner election, less if no killings at all.
One thing is for sure though, tomorrow would be the start of something new in Philippine history.